


The poet and the pendulum

by Thaum



Series: Dark Passion Play [5]
Category: Nightwish
Genre: Angst, Depression, Emotional Baggage, Feelings, Friendship, Friendship/Love, Kissing, Love, M/M, Romantic Friendship, Self-Harm, Some Humor, Sorry Not Sorry, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-26
Updated: 2019-06-23
Packaged: 2019-09-27 13:05:47
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 12
Words: 17,063
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17162483
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Thaum/pseuds/Thaum
Summary: Tuomas cannot cope with his life after the band splitup. Emppu finds him one morning face down on the floor of his hotel room. What follows are the events that lead the run down songwriter to get a grip again and the creation of "The Poet and the Pendulum" and the album "Dark Passion Play" in general. A bittersweet story about two lifelong friends who have to find their very own kind of relationship to save each other. A story about a bunch of unlikely people being the family they've never asked for.





	1. The poet and the pendulum

**Author's Note:**

> English isn't my first language. Be nice.

"Oh no", Emppu whispered and stopped dead in his tracks in the open door. He felt his heart miss a beat and a lump forming in his throat that slowly but surely threatened to choke him.

"No.. What have you done..?"

In a second he was on the floor next to the unmoving body that laid face down in midst the room.

"Tuo, what have you done you fucking idiot?"

He had tears in his eyes as he looked down at his best friend and reached with trembling hands for the pulse point beneath the ear, pushed strands of long dark hair aside, afraid of what he would find. Or rather, what he might not find. Seconds that seemed like an eternity passed before he almost collapsed in relief. A sob escaped his mouth before he pressed his hand on it and sat for a few moments, silently crying next to the passed out man who was thankfully breathing and stirred now slightly.

Finally Emppu stopped shaking, sniffed once more and got up again to study the hotel room more closely. A few mostly empty bottles stood at the table. The disgusting smell of sweat and vodka was so overwhelming, he felt like throwing up. He went to the window and opened it widely. It was such a wonderful day. Cold and sunny, the sky crystal blue. As blue as the eyes of the man on the floor who probably wasn’t able to recognize things like that anymore. To be honest, most times he didn't recognize anything at all lately. Nor cared he for it. Emppu couldn't remember the last time he had seen Tuomas halfway sober, his mind unclouded enough to get through to him. The emaciated figure on the floor was a ghostly shell of the sharp and brilliant man he used to be. Tuomas had always coped with his ups and downs in his lyrics and compositions. He used to have a melody for everything that messed with his life. The words and melodies had stopped months ago. It hurt to watch. It hurt so very much.

Emppu sighed and took a deep breath of the fresh air when his eyes fell at the keyboard and instantly his anxiety was back.

Blood.

All over the keys and on the floor beneath it.

He surrounded the table and looked down at a crashed glass, kneeled and slowly took a piece. His mind was racing as it tried to put everything together.

"No, you haven’t.. not again.."

He was back at Tuomas side in no time, turned him around. His eyes were closed and though he had dark smears from his eyes running down all over his awfully pale skin, he looked more at peace in his unconsciousness than Emppu had seen him for the last three months. Carefully he started to look for the injuries he knew there had to be. He found what he was looking for at his arms and wrists. Ugly scars, old and new ones scattered over the almost white skin. He lifted the forever multiplying wrist bands Tuomas wore all the time and felt the tears come back. _How could I have been so blind?_ His overall apperance was devastating. He was way too thin, - Emppu could easily span his arm with his fingers - and collarbone and ribs protruded in a way, that made him wince. _Fragile._ And that really wasn’t limited on physicalities.

"You promised."

For a few minutes nothing could be heard but the noise from the street somewhere down and a chirping bird. It was such a beautiful day. How could it be such a beautiful day? It wasn’t right. He felt how anger boiled up in him, irrationally, welcomed to push his sorrows temporarily aside.

"You _promised_ , you idiot!!!"

Emppu yelled at Tuomas who responded now with a grimace and stirred again on the ground. He coughed and groaned.

"Do we have an headache? _Good._ "

Tuomas opened his eyes and looked disoriented at the guitarist who was for once towering over him. He tried to sit up as good as he could.

"What happened.. ouch.."

Emppu had grabbed his wrists and pulled them forcefully up in front of his face.

" _This_ happened you genius. Again!"

Tuomas stared at the dried blood and then at Emppus sad and angry expression.

"Just tell me why. You promised, Tuo. You _promised_. Why?"

Tuomas closed his eyes again. "You know why." His voice was almost inaudible.

Something cold crawled deep down into Emppus chest. He couldn't do this anymore. He couldn't go on watching all of this.

"Yes I know. But I don't understand. I don’t understand why you drink yourself to death instead of talking to me. I don’t understand why you cut yourself instead of letting me help you. I don’t understand, why you choose to hurt the ones who love you, your family, the guys, me." _Why do you hurt me?_

He took the piece of glass again, turned it in his hands.

"Here." He held the piece in front of Tuomas face again.

"You may as well cut me because that is what you do. To watch you this way is indefinitely more painful than anything you can do with this thing to me. Go on. Cut me."

Tuomas didn't say anything, just watched him wide eyed

"No? Maybe your mother? Can you imagine her reaction when I call her and tell her what you’ve done? If you do not stop this, she will have to come one day - not very far from now - to look at her son, dead in his own blood. It will kill her Tuo. I can imagine, you know fairly well how realisticly I can imagine this scene, and I am terribly afraid of that day."

Emppus lips were a thin line.

"Do you want to leave this world with a debt like that?"

Tuomas was crying now and opened his mouth a few times but was totally lost for words. "I am sorry", he finally croaked out.

His voice was hoarse and Emppu calmed down sadly as he realized for how long he hadn't heard it. How much he had missed it. He decided that a glass of water would probably improve the overall situation so he went to fetch one and helped Tuomas to drink it.

"Thank you. I know I.. I don't deserve your kindness."

Emppu buried his head in his hands and sighed deeply.

"And that is exactly the point _you_ don't seem to understand. You deserve everything we want to give you. Everything and more. You don't have to give something in return. Just take it and get better. Nobody expects you to be perfect and handle this catastrophe like it was nothing. The press, the threats.." he swallowed, ".. or her. Come on, don't look at me that way, do you think I am stupid?"

He paused for a while and when he went on he sounded utterly tired.

"I have horrible dreams about this, you know? Again and again. I find you, but I am too late, always too late. All I have left is the past in the old songs and thousands of empty pages stained with your blood that are going to be the rest of my life. And how much I try to fill them, how much I try to write all of my feelings down, I cannot find a single word that matches them more than this emptiness."

He looked up again into the face that meant so much to him. Tuomas was still crying and there was nothing that Emppu wanted more, than to wipe the tears away and make everything alright. _If I only could._

"I am so done. I cannot go on like this. This morning I thought for the most terrible moment of my life all my nightmares had come true. Please, talk to me and help me." _Help me._

He took the shard again, pushed it into Tuomas’ hands and offered his wrists.

"Or don’t and end it right now. Because I can’t do this anymore. Don't let me witness how I fail you and just end it."

Tuomas looked at the glass, then at Emppu. Then at the glass again. Suddenly he let it fall as if it had burnt his hands and crawled a little away while he vigorously shook his head .

“Wh.. what? Are you insane?”

Emppu lowered his arms and slowly stood up again. 

“No Tuomas.. I care for you." _Don't you know how much I care for you?_

"But maybe you're right, insanity probably feels pretty much the same.”

With a last sad look he turned, walked back to the door and left his broken friend and his thoughts alone on the floor.

"I have said everything there is to say. You know where you can find me. Night or day, 24-7. I am there. And for heavens sake, take a shower and eat something."

 

* * *

 

Tuomas wouldn't talk to Emppu. He simply couldn't. Whenever he tried such a thing, the words tangled up and everything he wanted to say became a mess. This was something he had lived with for as long as he could remember. But there was something else he could do, he had to do.

In the afternoon of that day in 2005, Tuomas threw the bottles away, sat down and wrote the first song in months. It wasn’t any song, it was the soundtrack of his all miserable life. And when his raw heart and the shattered pieces of his meaning laid poured out onto the paper, he killed and buried all of it in a melody that would be destined to bring a great many to tears.

He looked down at the music in front of him and knew, he simply had to have the strength to somehow go on from this. 

Not because he wanted to.

Not because of anything that had been said.

But because of the little lost and utterly helpless noise Emppu had made as he had stood in the door. Not a thousand words would ever express what it had felt like to hear this broken sound come out of him. What it had felt like to see him reduced to that forlornness and to know the cause. To witness the strongest person he had ever known, the one who had always been there, the one who had always kept everything together, brought down to his knees in surrender - because of him.

In this particular song all of this became a part of Tuomas’ strange world of melodies, became a part of himself. It was a reminder, an anchor, a link to the world.

It would make sure, that he would never ever forget.


	2. Your music and your smile

The day after that dreadful morning, Tuomas came down for the very first time since forever for breakfast with a stack of papers and ink smeared fingers. Marco swallowed the wrong way and spat breadcrumbs for a minute while Jukka accidentally tried to drink from the sugar pot and coughed a little white puff through his nose. Their shocked expressions might have been funny if the reason for it hadn’t been so serious. He had taken the shower as Emppu had suggested and he seemed to be sober, but his bandmates hadn’t seen their friend at his worst and Marco obviously couldn’t decide between relief and horror while he was processing the poor state he was in. Emppu knew what went through his head, he had been there the day before and it had left him feeling numb and helpless ever since. Tuomas stopped next to the table, his eyes on the floor and dropped the papers without a word in front of him. None were needed between them to tell him, what this was. None were needed to tell him why. Carefully he took the first page and looked down at the darkness that had somehow found its way out of Tuomas' head and onto the paper. A life-saving song on at least fifty pages. Emppu tried to read it all but the words blurred in front of his eyes and he had to excuse himself and take a break at the balcony to get his face and knees under control again.

How often had he wished for a song. Or just a few lines, only for him to understand. Of course, he wished this would be another occasion and a different kind of song. But it was a song, it was poetry and it was all Tuomas. His deepest feelings at the lowest point of his entire life. A promise. An apology. A thank-you. Everything he couldn’t say to anyone. It would haunt Emppu until his dying day, but he wouldn’t trade this wonderful terrible song for anything in the world. For a long time, he just leant at the railing, watched the peaceful morning and his shaking hands, while he asked himself once more, how sometimes the outer world could be so ignorant to the emotional mess he was at the inside. How it could pretend that everything was absolutely fine when really everything was falling apart. If he could only be half the showman it was.

When he had calmed down and stepped into the room again, Marco was shoveling a stack of pancakes on Tuomas’ plate while Jukka read through the song in front of him. He stopped now and then to read a passage again and looked somehow disturbed.

"I.. I don’t know.. you want us to play this?"

Tuomas stabbed the pancakes and didn’t answer. Finally he shrugged his shoulders. Jukka looked warily back and forth between him and down at the lyrics.

"If this is what I think it is, then I really doubt that is a good idea. It’s surely.. epic.. but.."

"If need be," Emppu tossed in, "I’ll play it all on my own. I’d even sing it."

Tuomas smiled at that ever so slightly as he remembered their first days in the band and Emppu would have done it straight away and in front of whoever had the misfortune to be there, just to see it again. But Marco interrupted him:

"Oh my God please, mercy.. You convinced me. There is no point in coming this far only to watch Tuomas throw himself off the stage into the press lounge when you butcher his music. I am in."

Jukka threw the papers back onto the table. "I am outvoted as it seems." He sighed. "I still don't think this is a good idea. And as you mention the press: the people will go for it, you know? Are you sure he can handle this?" He glanced at his bandleader who wasn't even able to handle his breakfast at the very moment and Emppu had to admit, Jukka had a valid point there.

"I'll have to", Tuomas said and stabbed a pancake onto his fork with a grim face.

"And I will." He finally looked at Emppu before he stuffed the whole thing into his mouth.

"I promised to a friend."

 

* * *

 

Emppu tried to feel optimistic now, but still worried every day, Tuomas didn't leave his room. It was a constant rollercoaster of ups and downs, the uncertainess of the future and the judgement of the public ' _a swinging blade_ ' - how he had put it - above all of them. The following weeks he watched him turn from apathetic to angry to sad to really angry and back again while he spat out melodies and lyrics in a seemingly endless stream. Whatever their problems were - the next album wasn't one of them. He never talked though and it was almost tragic, how the man mastered poetry but was always at a loss for spoken words. In the end, there was only so much Emppu could do and he had to live with it, somehow. After all, this wasn't terribly different from as it had always been.

But one day, after a lenghtly discussion over wine and the bands future with the guys, Tuomas stopped him suddenly at the last moment before he could walk by and out of the door with his hand at his arm. He had been in a rather stable and good mood all day long and seemed quite talkative as well. It had been a really enjoyable evening, almost like back in the old days.

"I wanted to thank you."

His eyes were bright. Bright and awake and smiling. Emppu felt dizzy and the alcohol more than he probably should. He had the impression, he wasn’t the only one as he noticed Tuomas leaning onto him for a few seconds to steady himself.

"You are the best friend that anyone could ever wish for. I am sorry I.." he stopped, closed his eyes and swallowed. When he opened them again he seemed to have forgotten what he was about to say, his mind on something completely else.

"Do you remember that night in our cabin when you fell asleep on me?"

Emppu nodded slowly, wondering where this was going. "Yes", he said. They had never talked about his drunken confessions, like they never really talked. If they were, it was Emppu who talked and Tuomas who didn’t. Like the day a few weeks ago. Like that night years ago. As if he could ever forget that night.

Tuomas opened his eyes again and looked down at him with a strange look. "How is it like to kiss a man..?" He blushed a little but didn’t look away.

Emppu stared at him. "I.. I don’t know", he stuttered, completely taken by surprise.

"You don’t..?" Tuomas looked confused. "I.. I thought.."

"No. It’s always been you Tuo. Only you."

Now it was at Tuomas to be at loss of words. Suddenly he pulled him near until they were just inches apart.

"Kiss me", he demanded.

"W..what?"

“Kiss me before I lose my courage.”

"You’re drunk."

"Yes. And you’re too good for this world and I want you to kiss me. Show me. Do it."

Emppu really was a good man, but he was just a man. Right or wrong, if there was anybody who could turn down a flushed Tuomas Holopainen practically begging to be kissed, it was never going to be him. He threw every promise he had ever made about never taking advantage out of the window and put everything into the kiss he had been waiting for what felt like his whole life. Tuomas put his arms around him and opened his mouth for him, kissed him back in these blissfully precious moments, incredibly tender and careful. When they parted Emppu traced his nose along his and placed another gentle kiss at his brow.

"There is nothing to thank me for. I am unbelievably selfish, that's all."

Tuomas had tears in his eyes. And determination.

"Selfish? Oh Emppu.."

He pulled him back and kissed him again, harder this time and Emppu felt his head spin and his body react. He moaned and buried his hands in Tuomas’ long dark hair as he had wanted for so long. He kissed along his jawline, his neck and soon his hands found their way from his hair down under Tuomas’ shirt, caressing naked skin, smooth and so very hot to his touch. A hilarious part of his brain pondered if he would go to hell or heaven if he was going to burn down into a pile of ashes right now. He pressed himself against the other man but came back to his senses instantly when he felt Tuomas’ hand slide down his own stomach and under his waistband.

No.

This was everything he had ever dreamt of, but this was also wrong on so many levels, he didn’t even know where to start.

"No.. Tuo.. I don’t want this."

"Not..?"

"Don’t get me wrong, I very obviously _do_ want this, but.."

"Then let me give it to you.. for once, let _me_ give you something", he breathed against his ear and Emppu thought he might faint if he didn’t stop this right now.

"No.. not this way. Yes, I want you, oh god you have no idea how much, there is really no point in denying that, isn't it?" He chuckled nervously and reached out to take Tuomas hand away from the parts of him that wanted it the most.

"But I don’t want it this way, you don’t owe me anything."

Tuomas closed his eyes and sighed.

"I don’t think I owe you. But you mean so much to me, your friendship, your closeness means so much to me", he whispered and Emppu had to kiss him once more again for it, a very last time he told himself before he let go and stepped away.

Tuomas tried not to stop him but followed him with his eyes.

"I was alone in the dark. Lost. I pushed you away, again and again and you came back again and again. You would not give up on me. You came back every time until it mattered. I had felt nothing for so long and suddenly I couldn't do it anymore. It is still too much."

He looked down at his scarred arms.

"You are one of the few constants in my life, a fixed star that has always been there. Sometimes I treat you like I don't care but that is far away from the truth. I know that I hurt you. Forgive me for all I've done to you. And for all I will do to you. Because it will happen again. Because I am me and I am unable to keep anyone near. I took you for granted so long, but I am so afraid of the day you won't take up with my shit anymore. Afraid that when you turn around, you won't come back this time. Or worse, afraid that you do and I take you all the way down with me. I am afraid of so many stupid things I could do, I can't even remember all of them. I wish I was less the way I am and more of everything you want me to be. I wish I could love you differently. I wish I could give you something you want to come back to, not this fucking mess.." he gestured vaguely at his head. "But the truth is, I am not even able to be the friend that you deserve."

Tuomas had buried his head in his hands and Emppu was speechless. So, this was it about. He tried to remember when he had ever heard him talk that much at once but he couldn't. He felt a lump in his throat and cleared it, while he made up his mind.

"Yes.. you're right. Sometimes I want to give up because I can't stand your silence. Sometimes I wish you would actually shout at me, beat me up, anything.. it would be so much better than nothing, than watch you doing these.. _things_ to yourself. Better than watch you drug reality and your life away. It hurts up to the point where I forget why I am even trying to understand you. But that doesn't mean I want you to be someone else. I always come back and I always remember why I am trying."

He studied Tuomas distraught figure.

"Because I know you are also kind, inspired, talented, loving, infectious, emotional to a fault and totally crazy. Everything you touch turns into art, you make me feel alive and you have the world cutest smile."

Emppu paused to push the hair out of Tuomas' face and smiled at his awkward expression.

"You are also unreasonably shy, stubborn, always too late and your perfectionism drives me insane. Yes - you are you. With all your heart and flaws. And all of this is so beautiful, _you_ are so beautiful. That's why I want to be near you and why I never give up on you, even at your worst. So don't you dare to wish you were something less than that. And now smile again, because that's what truly is everything to me. Your music and your smile Tuo, that's all I really need."


	3. A hangover of revelations

Emppu had never wished more for immediate death. Getting roasted by Sauron himself on the skewer above Mount Doom couldn't feel worse than this. Everything had started so well. The guy from the coffee shop he had been ogling for the last few months had finally talked to him. No, not just talked, flirted like there would be no tomorrow. He definetly had butterflies somewhere in his stomach, one thing had lead to another and for the first time _ever_ Emppu did not object to take it a step further. Long story short: it had been a mistake. An embarassing disaster. A trip into his very own personal emotional hell. A miscalculation of how utterly fucked up he really was.

He had wanted it, had actually been fantasizing about it - only to find out, he just couldn't do it. Mika was cute and willing and it should have been perfect - only it wasn't. When they had kissed, had touched each other, all he could think of were the hands and lips of someone else. The guilt had almost crushed him and suddenly everything had been wrong. It had hurt. It still felt like betrayal. The intensity of those feelings had taken him by surprise and all he could do was choke out an apology at the poor man and leave instantly inmidst of something, had almost fled the building and had hammered his wits away afterwards. Had drunk away the memories of intoxicated Tuomas' body pressed at his, had drunk until he stopped thinking of blue eyes, until he stopped thinking of anything at all and passed out at the bar table. He didn't remember how he came home but he assumed, Marco had something to do with it. Marco, who stared at him in a way he wasn't quite comfortable with. Marco, who still hadn't said anything. A very rare occurrence in fact and somehow frightening, but maybe Emppu should be grateful.

It was glorious afternoon in their rehearsal room, his head threatened to explode, the sun burnt through the open curtains into his skull and his stomach felt _alive_ , but he doubted that it had anything to do with butterflies. He stared back for about half a minute or a century before he dropped his head at the backrest. Marco opened his mouth, closed it again and started to chew his lower lip while he obviously pondered how to approach the most recent events.  

"If you're going to say something, you should do it now."

Marco stopped chewing, creased his brows and stroked his beard but remained still otherwise. Emppu sighed.

"Yeah. Nice talk. If that's all - excuse me. I am going to throw up and then drown myself in the sink. Not necessarily in that order. In the meantime think something nice up for my tombstone. I am counting on your talent with filthy innuendos."

Emppu got out of his chair and had to grab the table to not topple over. He winced.

Marco had gotten up as well and was seemingly ready to catch him if necessary. His whole behaviour was absolutely off and Emppu started to worry about what he might have said or done last night. Finally Marco cleared his throat.

"Hard night?"

Emppu groaned.

"Is.. is everything okay?"

"I guess you brought me home..?"

"Um, yes.. I have never seen you that run down.. and we've been through a lot shit together over the years, haven't we? You.. you puked in my car.. the bartender who called me said something about a guy who broke your heart and that he hadn't seen anybody that pissed in years."

"Oh."

Marco rubbed his head. "Um.. yes." He looked to the door and then back to Emppu.

"You were also crying."

Emppus heart stopped a beat. "Oh." He sat slowly back down and closed his eyes. He felt dizzy and not well at all. But salvation by death would apparently be delayed. At least, the world could stop spinning around him.

"I.. I am sorry, I don't remember anything." Now he sure as hell wished he was. 

"You.. you were.. I mean.. this _guy_.." 

Emppu reopened one eye as Marco trailed awkwardly off, his face beet red.

Silence.

"If you want to talk.."

"Do _you_ want me to talk? Yes, the bartender was right: _guy._  Does that answer your questions?"

Emppu saw, that it didn't answer questions but raised a ton more. "But.. I don't understand.. you're always around those girls, Jukka and me always bet how many you will have at your feet after a concert.. I mean.."

Marco was seemingly puzzled. Something in his Emppu-the-charming-womanizer-world was about to crash down. Emppu hoped it wasn't going to take anything else with it. He had never told anybody. No one knew him as well as he thought. Well.. nobody but one. But now his cover was obviously blown.

"And did you ever run into me in a compromising situation?" Emppu asked and tried to imagine Marcos face if he would have seen him yesterday, half naked, tumbling down a staircase while pulling up his pants.

"Um.. no."

"Did you ever see me even kissing one of them?"

He scrunched his brows again. "Actually.. I don't think so.."

"You see."

Marco pointed his finger at him, not fully convinced yet. "I have seen Anette take.. um.. lacy things out of your guitar case last week.. I mean I said nothing.. it isn't my affair after all.. but.."

Emppu stared at his friend, totally bewildered. He couldn't be serious, couldn't he? Anette was like a sister to all of them. 

"You think I sleep with Anette? Really?"

Marco had the decency to look a little embarassed. Emppu still couldn't believe it.

"Do you really think so little of me?"

"Well.. sorry, but the facts spoke against you.. I mean why should she.."

Emppu had enough.

"I could never do this. Who do you think I am?"

"You're right. Sorry."

"It's an unspoken rule that the lead singer is a personal slave to Tuomas. You're lucky we've found her. I mean, there were discussions to go on without a female singer." He leaned forward and patted Marcos shoulder, proud of his ability to keep a deadly serious face in the most hilarious of situations. "She saved you from a truely horrible fate."

Marcos mouth hang open before Emppu burst out laughing. His stomach protested immediately and he fell back and fought the sickness down, still chuckling.

"Now we're even. No, that's just my favourite gossip, isn't it great? Gosh, how I hate the tabloids.. She is married, silly. And before you ask me if I wear womenswear - because I really don't know anymore, what you are thinking I do in my spare time - Anette puts sometimes her clothes in my case when she has no time to run back to the changing room."

Marcos face went through a bunch of different states between confusion, relief and discomfort. "Ahhh.. oh man.. that's really.. that's.. sorry."

"No problem." Emppu closed his eyes again. "May I now die in peace?"

"Actually.. you still didn't tell me.. is everything alright?"

"I have been better, but I guess I will survive, thanks. And thanks for bringing me home. I am sorry about your car though."

Marco waved it away. "That's what friends are there for. I would come for you in the midst of Christmas night to fetch you with nothing but your underwear at your head from the top of the cathedral of Helsinki. And I wouldn't ask questions. You are my friend Emppu. Whatever you do, I don't judge you, okay? And whatever I think you do or not do, I wouldn't think _little_ of you. Just forget it."

"Did I really ever do something like that? What a shame I am not remembering it.." Emppu shook his head. "And I am not remembering anything of yesterday past the first few drinks. Nothing to forget, nothing to tell, I am sorry."

"No you didn't. That was Jukka - more or less. You are the most responsible of all of us. You remember really absolutely nothing of it..?" There it was again.. this strange expression. Emppu wrecked his brains but he really, really didn't remember anything between the bottle of vodka and his bed he awoke in. Total mental blackout. He glanced warily at Marco and shook his head while he prayed internally that he hadn't been _that_ pissed.

In that unfortunate moment the door of the rehearsal room banged open, Emppu flinched and Jukka waltzed in, drumsticks in one hand and a huge inflated duck in the other. Marco raised an questioning eyebrow.

"Hey, it's alive! Good morning princess, I've been trying to call you for hours, we are going for a swim afterwards with the kids, we wanted to ask if... oh my.. you really look like shit, you know that?"

He studied Emppus slumped figure in the armchair. "How was your weekend?" He wiggled his eyebrows. "Run over by a barista?"

Marco grunted. "What?"

"Come on, has been kind of obvious, hasn't it? Nobody can consume that amount of caffeine without getting a heart-attack. He must have been doing something else in that shop for all these hours. And now I have a rough idea what.." Jukka critically looked Emppu up and down. "So how was the coffee-guy.. _that_ bad, or _that_ good, huh?"

"The coffee guy? Who is the coffee guy?" Marco felt lost. Somewhere he seemed to have fallen off the conversation train. He was about to ask what the hell Jukka was talking about and questioning him why he obviously knew of their friends preferences, when he recognized Tuomas in the door who stood frozen to the spot. He balanced a stack of papers and a cola atop of his keyboard and watched Emppu wide eyed.

"For heavens sake, what happened to you!?"

Marco looked awkwardly back and forth between the door and Emppu and Emppu realized, he had been wrong. Everything until now had been a breeze. This, _this_ was the moment he never wished more for immediate death. In fact, he'd appreciate a heart-attack by caffeine right now. Who had he been kidding - of course he had been _that_ pissed. In the end, it came always down to his choices. He buried his head in his hands.

"Nothing happened Tuo, really. Just leave me be, please. All of you."

"Terrible hangover," Marco explained hastily, the image of crying Emppu at is shoulder still vividly in his head as suddenly all started to make sense. 

"Wild orgy in the coffee shop", Jukka added with a suggestive grin and Marco felt the normal constant urge to strangle him increase by tenfold. If he was going to say anything about cream, Marco swore, he would finally give in. He was still processing everything. As a matter of fact, he was processing the last five years in a completely different light.

"What?" Tuomas seemingly didn't understand a single thing of Jukkas words as well. "But why.. you know we have a rehearsal, don't you? The recordings start in ten days."

"I know. This wasn't exactly planned.. excuse me. I don't feel well.. I am not going to participate today. I am not going for a swim. I am going to lie down at the sofa. If I don't get up anymore, do me a favour: don't revive me. I'd like to stay dead." Emppu got up and made sure this time to keep a grip at the chair. Then he staggered past a very concerned looking Tuomas out of the room.

Marco stared at the place were he had vanished. Yes, he would never forget the sight of crying Emppu in his soiled car. And he hardly would ever forget the name of the man he cried into his shoulder when he had been hauling him up into his appartment. The very man who now put his instrument carefully at the table and left the room again without a word to go after their friend to comfort him.

In hindsight, Marco thought, he must have been blind.

 


	4. Say you love me

"Hey."

Emppu tried to ignore the weight that settled at the sofa next to him. He turned to the wall and pulled his jacket over his head. Tuomas sighed.

"Don't make it that hard for me. You know I suck with these things anyway. Come on, talk to me. What happened?"

"Nothing. I've drunken myself into oblivion. Now I pay for it."

"I know you. You don't do things like that."

"Obviously I do. In front of you is the halfway living proof."

"Emppu.. don't be that way. I really worry about you."

Emppu felt his resistance melt away. Why had it to be Tuomas to follow him? Why not Jukka and his big mouth?

He felt Tuomas shift as he sighed again.  

"Move a little."

"What?"

He pushed his shoulder and Emppu moved automatically aside. Then he watched astonished how Tuomas climbed over him and laid down.

"I don't know if that is a good idea.. I might puke again."

"I don't think you will. You didn't the last time."

"What about the rehearsal? The recordings.."

"To hell with that."

Emppu squeezed his eyes. "Okay, who are you and what have you done to the man I lo.." he started, not even really thinking about the common phrase. He startled and stopped as he noticed what he was about to say and turned a little whiter than he already was.

Tuomas tilted his head and watched him thoughtfully. Finally he smiled at him and something in Emppus chest clenched painfully. _'Your music and your smile is all I really need' - What an understatement when you realize, it's all you have_ he thought. _It's my world. You're my world. Don't look at me this way. Stop it. Stop looking at me ever again. Please._ His throat felt dry. He wanted to run again. He wanted to cry. He just wanted everything to stop. Why had he to be this way? _Get a grip Vuorinen._ His inner voice was starting to drive him insane. _No.. don't say anything, please.._ , he internally begged while he looked into those eyes he knew he would die in again and again for the rest of his life. He didn't know if he would be able to keep himself together. _Just don't._ But of course, his prayers weren't heard. They were never heard.

".. you _what_?" Tuomas asked.

With trembling hands Emppu reached out and traced a finger along his' mouth. His voice was barely more than a ragged whisper. "You know what."

Tuomas caught his hand before he could fully pull it away again, entwined their fingers and pressed both their hands at his chest. Emppu could feel his heartbeat through his t-shirt under his fingertips and swallowed hard. 

"Nobody ever told me, you know.." he now said and sounded somehow hoarse. Emppu wanted to scream. He changed the topic.

"About last night.. I.. I wanted to sleep with someone. It.. I couldn't. We've been all into it and then I just couldn't do it. That is what happened."

"You.. couldn't.. um.. you mean physically..?" Tuomas looked slightly uneasy.

"Physically.. I wish it would be. No. All I could think of was you. And I felt so ashamed and guilty. I felt like cheating everybody. Him, you, me." _Me the most._ "I ran away and drank until I didn't feel anything anymore. So, it's out. I am a pathetic mess. And I will die alone."

"Oh Emppu.. I.. I am sorry, I don't know what to say.. "

Emppu laughed but it sounded like a sob. 

"No, no please! Tell me what to do.. but don't cry. I don't know what to do with this. What can I do?"

"Hold me." Emppu choked out and felt the weight of countless lonely nights lift a little off his heavy heart when Tuomas pulled him hesitantly near. 

"Shhh, I am here and I won't go anywhere. You are not alone. You will never be alone." After a while Emppu calmed down and sniffed.

"I really had a total break down last night. Marco brought my drunken ass home. I have sincerely no idea, what I've been telling him. I am sorry.. I am afraid he thinks, you and I.. "

"Oh. And I've been wondering if I had something between my teeth."

"He thought I am sleeping with Anette as well."

Tuomas laughed out. "Really? Now, that's just ridiculous."

"Yeah. And Jukka thinks I am throwing orgies."

"Oh my, your life sounds really exhausting. No wonder you look like hell. You should sleep now." He pulled him near again and made no efforts to get off the sofa.

"What.. what about .. they're both still over there. They might come in."

"Marco already thinks you're - quote - _screwing_ me and for Jukka you're obviously a slut. So what?"

"What about you?"

He weighed his head. "I personally don't think you're a slut."

"Tuo!"

Tuomas laughed again. "I don't care what Marco thinks. Maybe this will stop his nagging about how I totally fucked up everything with Tarja. Remember her wedding? He still isn't over it."

"Yeah.. I was totally ready to wrestle him down if he had gotten up to object when the priest asked to speak up. He certainly looked the part."

"Oh, I would have liked to see that very much."

For a while there could nothing be heard but their breathing and Emppu thought back at the old days, when life somehow had been easier, when Tuomas and Tarja had been inseparable. When had they all stopped to be that young and carefree?

"Do you miss her?" He finally asked. 

"Every day." Tuomas must have thought in a similiar direction, his expression melancholic. Emppu squeezed his hand.

"She is happy now."

"I know."

"What about you? Are you happy?" Emppu stroked his thumb lightly over Tuomas' scarred wrist. He had been true to his word and had stopped to cut himself that fateful day. Emppu still had nightmares about it, but they had gladly become a scarcity.

"How changed the subject from your wellbeing to mine?"

"It didn't."

Tuomas didn't answer to that, just looked at him with that thoughtful expression again and Emppu decided to stop pushing his luck. He was here with him. He would let him fall asleep in his arms. He didn't just simply lie to him. What more could he probably wish for? An open speech about his inner tortures in the months he had succumbed to drugs and self harm? This was Tuomas after all. What had he expected him to say? The scars at the inside healed not as easily, as those at his arms. He pressed a gentle kiss at the pattern of pale lines.

"You will be. I promise." 

* * *

Marco cursed under his breath. The intention to make a funny remark got stuck in his throat as he found the target of his banter peacefully sleeping. Tuomas' arm was wrapped around Emppus shoulder who had his head at the other mans chest. This alone took something to get used to but what really got him was the fact that they were holding each others hand. He watched the scene quietly and felt almost ashamed. It looked way too pure to make a silly joke about it. He closed the door silently again and turned to Jukka and Anette who had just arrived, blocking it with his body.

"Hi Nettie, you came through the garage? Good. Let's take that way out. The rehearsal is cancelled."

Jukka stopped twirling his drumsticks and looked surprised at him. "What? I mean, I am more than okay with it. But why the garage? What's going on in there?"

"Nothing."

"Wild orgy?" He grinned and Marco could practically read every one of the juicy comments that went through his head in his eyes, waiting to leave his filthy mouth. This man-child was an annoyingly open book.

"Believe me, beyond everything even you might imagine." Marco grumbled while he dragged him and his hilarious swimming aid behind, fully aware, that this was possibly the truth.

Anette who hadn't witnessed the whole back story looked completely confused. "Orgy? What? Has this duck anything to do with it?"

"I really hope not," Marco pressed out through clenched teeth as Jukka snickered and his bloody imagination ran havoc.


	5. Whoever brings the night

It was almost funny. Marco did not only refrain from coming up with his usual weekly remarks like ' _get your head out of your ass and call her'_ and ' _don't worry, Marcelo is just a phase_ ', but he seemed also to be convinced that Tuomas and Emppu were in a secretive relationship that they were hiding from the band. He thought himself obviously subtle when he made sure from now on to stomp into the room ahead of Jukka and Anette like a herd of rhinos to clear the path. He made also sure to give them ' _alone time_ '. Tuomas obviously saw no need to correct his convictions and Emppu sure as hell had no intention to bring that ever up again in front of Marco. So they lived with his occasionally more than strange behaviour. And from time to time it became a competition to provoke it. It were times like these, when Tuomas winked at him, mischief clearly written all over his face that Emppu was tempted to forget, that it was all just a silly game. He didn't have to pretend the blush that spread over his face and Marco disappeared behind one of Anettes magazines. Oh yes, Emppu could get used to this.

"Chamomile." Tuomas commented from behind Marcos shoulder who flinched visibly.

"Huh.. What?"

"Chamomile helps if you have problems with this." He pointed at the article about menstrual cramping Marco had been so deeply engrossed with.

Marcos ears turned red. "No.. I am just.. I like to be informed. You'll never know when this comes in handy. Chamomile, huh? Thanks. I will remember that." He put the magazine back at the table.

"I better check the beer.. maybe we should restock.. yes.. good idea. I am taking Jukka with me, it surely takes us at least an hour."

He took a look at his watch, gripped his jacket and disappeared through the front door.

"Who would have thought he would volunteer to spend time with Jukka. This slowly but surely gets grotesque. But now that we are all alone as he doubtlessly intended.. I'd like to show you something. I wanted you to see it first, without the guys."

"What.. all in private.. now I am intrigued."

Emppu rolled his eyes, fished a few sheets of paper out of his bag and handed them over. "You're an idiot. It's a song."

"Whoever brings the night.. you have written this?" Emppu nodded and watched nervously how Tuomas read silently through it, his lips moving. When he finished he looked back at him.

"Is this.. about you?"

Emppu shrugged his shoulders, feeling self-conscious.

"You don't like it."

"I do like it." He read it again.

"What does it mean to you?"

Emppu had often thought Tuomas frail but when he had sat down to write this thing off his heart, his fears and sorrows, he had realized, it was a truely hard thing to do, to pour your soul into a song like he did. Tuomas made it look so effortless and graceful. It wasn't. It took a hell lot of guts to face your demons and share them with the world. It left you raw and vulnerable to everybody, even to your worst enemy. In any case he wouldn't mistake withdrawness as weakness anymore.

"I.. I have thought a lot about my life in general lately. It's not literally about me. It's about how I am afraid I might end up. It's about loneliness. I came to realize, it isn't the worst thing to feel alone. The worst is, to feel alone although you aren't. All those people around you and nobody knows and love you for what you really are. Nobody comes near enough to really touch you, though this world has become so shameless about intimacy. Do you know what I mean?"

Tuomas stared at him with an unreadable expression.

"Sometimes", he said toneless without a hint of emotion in his voice, "I believe, growing up condemns us. The moment you lose innocence, you are expelled from paradise to never come back. The moment you learn of desire and lust you lose love and beauty and earn nothing but lies and guilt. You'll never be free again."

Emppu didn't know how to respond to that. Something in the way he said it told him, that he had spent many sleepless nights thinking about it. He wasn't quite sure if he understood everything it meant. It sounded like something out of his lyrics. 

"Is this about you?"

"Does it matter? It's the same for all of us." 

Tuomas looked back at the unevenly scribbled lines of Emppus handwriting. "' _All your love is a lie, you one-night butterfly, hurt me, be the one, whoever brings the night.'_ " He paused.

"You're right. I don't like this song."

Emppus heart dropped.

"I love it. I want it on the album."

"Really?"

"Yes."

Emppu didn't quite fully trust his legs as he took his sheets back. The adrenaline that rushed through him was absolutey out of proportion. He felt as if he just had lept from a cliff into unknown waters. At a closer look, he thought, he actually might have done just that. He cleared his throat.

"Here, this isn't quite.. we can change it. You surely can rewrite these harmonies to make it far better.. I.."

"It's perfect." Tuomas said without looking at the part his finger pointed at. Instead he looked Emppu straight into the eyes. Then he finally smiled again.

"Really. Don't shit your pants. I am not going to 'correct' your song. This is yours. And it is absolutely wonderful as it is. We are going to record it with exactly every note and word you wrote."

"Thank you. You have no idea what your compliment means to me."

"Don't sell yourself short. You are a great musician."

"But I will never come close to your genius, so.." Emppu bowed with a grin in front of him, Tuomas slapped his shoulder and they both collapsed laughing at the sofa where they still were discussing the arrangement of Emppus song when Marco stuck his head through the door before he shoved Jukka inside. He looked definitely strained.

"Is everything alright?" Emppu asked.

"Besides our ban from the liquor store? Yes. Fantastic."

"What happened?"

"Oh, believe me, you don't want to know." 


	6. Stage fright

"Come on, stop this."

Emppu pulled Tuomas' hand away from his face.

Tuomas looked down at his nails with a creased brow but seemed not to see them. He was completely somewhere else.

"I feel sick.. really sick.."

"No wonder, this paint isn't made to be ingested. Where is the point in painting them when you're chewing it all off anyways?"

"This will be a disaster. Just what did I think I was doing? They will hate it, everybody will hate it and then this nightmare will start all over again.. I.. I am going to throw up.."

Emppu sighed. "That's what you are saying every time. You haven't eaten breakfast nor lunch, how can you possibly throw anything up?"

"Sorry.." he sprang to his feet and ran down the corridor. Emppu sighed again and went on to tune his guitar. Jukka cracked his knuckles for the umpteenth time and watched concerned how Tuomas disappeared in the bathroom.

"What do we do when he doesn't come back?"

"Don't worry. He will come back. He will walk out there. He will perform flawlessly. As always." Emppu played a few chords.

"I don't know... this is different.. have you seen his face? He is white as a sheet." Jukka said.

He cracked his knuckles again and Marco put his bass down.

"Can you stop this please! It drives me insane!"

"Sorry." He cracked them absentmindly again and Marco flinched. 

"Haaaargh!"

"He doesn't have.. I mean.. anything sharp.." Jukka asked and Emppu played a bum note. "What?"

Anette watched them troubled.

"It's just stage fright, right? It's not exactly the first time."

Jukka shook his head.

"He is a nervous wreck since three days. He's been neither eating nor sleeping. When I came to the rehearsal yesterday morning, he sat there at the keyboard in pitch black darkness and gave me a scare. Look at him, he might as well be a ghost. Something is off."

Emppu and Jukka looked at each other and Emppu seemed to paralyze while he blanched considerably. Jukka got off the floor.

"Think what you want, I am going to check on him. Maybe I am paranoid, but I have a very bad feeling." 

He jogged towards the bathroom while the others stared after him.

"What's gotten into him? If anybody is going to check on him, shouldn't it be you?" Marco asked Emppu.

"I don't.. I..  Jukka is.. acquainted with.. this.. he has a gut feeling for.. this.. kind of .." Emppu trailed off. "Oh my god, let him be wrong. I am not going through all of this again."

"Jukka is.. acquainted to what exactly..?" Anette asked, seemingly unsettled.

Emppu had his head in his hands. His voice sounded small. "It's been a long time ago. We just founded the band.. Jukka had a hard time.. he.. he cut his leg artery all the way through to the bone, a fucking mess.." He gulped.

"There is so much blood in a human.. you have no idea how much blood there is.."

In the silence that followed you could have heard a pin drop. 

"I didn't know that.." Marco said pertubed. "I never thought of him as anything else than the careless happy dumbass he is. Wouldn't have thought anything could get to him.."

"He barely made it.. has been in intensive care for a whole month."

Anette silently watched Emppus shaking hands and put a hand at his shoulder.

"Who found him?"

Emppu swallowed hard. This flashback was the last thing he needed.

"I am not going in there Marco.. if Jukka is right.. I am not going in there.." his voice was barely audible. Anette sat down and put her arm around him. "Everything will be alright Emppu. I don't know what exactly happened before I met you all, I guess it's been grave. But I know, he would never do this to you, do you understand?" Emppu grimassed and surpressed the absolute inappropriate urge to laugh as well as tears. This was the wrong time and place for both of them.

"You too Nettie?"

"Emppu, I am not stupid."

"No. But you're wrong."

She tilted her head and studied him for a while wordlessly. Then she just squeezed his shoulder and smiled encouragely.

In that moment the bathroom door opened and Jukka and a chalk white Tuomas re-entered the corridor. Jukka shook his head lightly and the tension that had somehow been in the air disappeared in a collective exhale. He led Tuomas to the wall where he slid down until he sat at the ground next to Emppu and Anette.

"I cannot do this. Let's cancel this whole thing. It's been a crackpot idea from the very start."

"Tuo please.." Emppu started, still visibly shaken, "Look at me. Do you remember what it took us to come here? You, me, all of us? We all have been through so much, have been working so very hard for this. Do you really want us to throw it all away now? It's not all just about you. Please, don't take this away from us."

Tuomas looked up. "What if everything goes bad?"

"What if not? If you give up right now, we have already lost. Then everything has been for nothing. Don't give up. Come on." Emppu shook him gently.

Tuomas looked hesitantly at everyone.

"If it goes bad," Marco added "we will go through this together. You will not take the blame all alone. Not again. Don't fret.. you've been doing this since forever. Look at Nettie here, it's her first gig with us. She would have a reason to fret, but she is perfectly calm."

" _Perfectly calm!?_ I don't fret, oh no.. I am absolutely terrified. I am scared shitless. I quite literally peed my pants and have a pulse of 185 since two hours." She inhaled deeply. "But.. I practiced yoga, took every herbal tranquilizer known to mankind and I wrote all the lyrics at my left arm." She lifted her left arm that was neatly scribbled with a black pen. "On my right arm I wrote my testament. Just in case." She smiled and crossed both arms in front of her chest. 

Marco watched her irritated. "Alright.. _thank you_.. okay, Nettie _does_ fret, but she isn't chickenshit."

"You're calling me chickenshit?" Tuomas asked toneless. 

"Huh? No I said Nettie.."

"Now, _I am_ calling you chickenshit," Jukka interrupted Marco. "No, I am calling you the king of all chickenshits! Ladies and gentlemen: his majesty Tuomas Chickenshit Lauri Holopainen, creator of symphonic metal, founder of Nightwish - a band of chickenshits - famous for their very last gig that was canceled because he completely chicked out."

He had pushed himself off the wall and had walked over during his speech. Now he stood directly in front of Tuomas who still sat at the floor and looked up at him and his outstretched hand, his expression unreadable. With a lopsided grin Jukka pulled him off the ground as he eventually took it.

"We are as ready to go as we will ever be." He shrugged his shoulders. "So what - let's kick some ass."

 

* * *

 

As they walked out to the stage, Marco clapped Jukkas back. "Thank you. That was.. an uncommon approach, but it worked. Sometimes you're not that bad."

The last thing Emppu heard before they separated to take their places was something that suspiciously like " _Bok. Boooook._ " sounded. The last thing he saw however was, how Jukka poked Marcos ass with his drumsticks. That - and the way the corners of Tuomas' mouth twitched. 


	7. Your stupid everything

"My hand is going to fall off", Anette whined as they were finally done signing all and everything their fans had wanted. "I cannot remember physical torture to be part of my contract."

"I signed a toilet seat, can you believe it?" Marco snorted and Anette got a laughing fit. She laid spread out across a huge speaker and held her stomach, tears in her eyes.

"What was your most hilarious thing?"

"A butt." Jukka answered and put a copy of the album and his pen at the table. He had already signed it. "Here, one last time, this one is for my collection."

Anette took it and moaned. "Only for you."

"You mean, someone is running around out there with your name on his ass? This world is sick." Tuomas shook his head in disbelief as Emppu passed him pen and CD. He scribbled his elegant signature on it and handed it over to Marco as he pondered the question.

"The most hilarious.. hm, I'd almost say our merchandise."

"Ugh, gross." Marco commented, signed the disc and gave it finally back to Jukka.

"A bra." Emppu said and remembered the blushing girl who still had worn it when she had asked him for an autograph.

"If it wasn't yours, I wouldn't call that hilarious." Tuomas grinned at him. There was absolutely no resemblance left between the man who had been puking his guts out in anxiety only three hours ago and him now. He looked ten years younger.

Jukka stared at the returned album in his hands with squeezed eyes and looked then at Tuomas who raised a questioning eyebrow at him.

"What?"

"King Chickenshit I?"

"Stage name."

Jukka nodded approvingly. "Legit. I'll get you a shirt with a print at the next opportunity." He stored it away in his backpack.

"From _'beast'_ to _'chickenshit'_ , how far have you fallen", Marco grumbled, hinting at another shirt Tuomas once had loved in their earlier days. Emppu suggested he still had it somewhere in his bottomless wardrobe. Marco scratched the back of his head.

"Well, but now that it's done.. time  to join the party. I am dying of hunger. And I could do with a few beers. Let's face the mob."

Tuomas stretched with an audible 'plop' and put his hat on before he offered his arm to Anette.

"Mylady, you're looking absolutely marvelous tonight. May I escort you into the lion's den?"

Anette climbed off the speaker and threw her hair back. "But of course, Sir Chickenshit." She wiped at her eyes and tidied her skirt.

"How is my make-up?"

"Smeared. How is mine?"

"That's make-up? I thought you're a panda."

"Perfect."

They linked arms and floated giggling towards the exit where he put his arm around her. He squeezed her briefly while saying quietly something into her ear that made her eyes shine. Then he opened the door and bowed deeply as she put on a show to stride past him with her head held high."

"The diva thing she's got quite right" Marco noted. "And Tuomas at her feet. Seems the most important criterias for replacing Tarja are met. From now on, what can possibly go wrong? Come." He pulled Emppu off his chair and together they follwed the most wanted pair of the evening. 

Emppu just chuckled as he trod behind. How he had missed this. The music, the show, the crowd, just everything about it. But most of all the spark in Tuomas' eyes. To see him at his keyboards on stage, outgoing, passionate and completely lost to the world. Emppu was so looking forward to the tour and the many nights he would be gifted that sight.

 

* * *

 

Later, Emppu looked around at the remaining guests. The press had almost left completely and only crew members and friends and family of the band were left. Marcos brother and the members of his other band Tarot were there. And Satu of course who was on a good way to drink Jukka under the table. Tuomas' parents had left half an hour ago.

"The last time I've seen my mother wear something with my face printed on it was when I've been in kindergarten. It's a little strange", Tuomas now said. "I cannot decide if I should feel embarassed or proud."

"She loves you."

" _Your_ mother wouldn't do something like that."

"My mother wasn't even here," Emppu sighed. Apart from a few friends he knew since childhood from judo, nobody had taken his invitation. His family was non-existent when it came to band business. His father had always wanted him to become an engineer or a teacher. His chosen career was a deep thorn in their relationship. 

Tuomas watched him consolingly.

"She loves you all the same. Even if they don't approve of your profession, they care very much for you. It wouldn't bother them the way it does if they wouldn't care."

"Sometimes I think I should have given in."

"Whatever you do, you cannot make everybody happy. My grandfather always said, _'If you need to make everybody happy, sell ice cream.'_ "

"He surely was a wise man."

"He was selling ice cream."

Emppu chuckled. "Then he's _really_ been a wise man." 

"All you can do is trying to make yourself happy. "

"Out of your mouth this sounds like a epiphany. Who wanted to throw away his lifework because some idiots might proclaim their disapproval a few hours ago?"

Tuomas smiled at Emppu. It seemed so serenely beautiful to him that it travelled all the way through his body to settle with a warm feeling in his chest. Or maybe that was the alcohol. He put his cocktail down. Perhaps it was time to end the evening and go home.

"True. I've been a mess." Tuomas said. "I am so very grateful that I have you all. Marco, Jukka, Anette, you. Especially you." He took his hand and watched it thoughtfully. Then he seemed to make up his mind. 

"Come, let's leave this sad excuse of an unruly party."

"Leave? And where to?"

Tuomas caressed the inside of Emppus hand with his thumb.

"Somewhere where not everyone can see me doing this.." without breaking eye contact he lifted it off the table and pressed his lips on the pulse point at his wrist before he let go of it again. 

Emppu stared at him utterly shocked. "What are you doing? Is Marco watching us?"

Tuomas shook his head. "No."

"How much have you been drinking?"

"Not at all." He pointed at his glass. "Non-alcoholic."

"What? Isn't that illegal?" Emppu stuttered, as he slowly got off his seat, catching the edge of the table. His heart was racing and he didn't trust his knees at all. 

"Probably." Tuomas took his jacket, put his hat on Emppus head and stretched his hand out again. "Come."

Emppu let himself be dragged out of the room like in trance, dismissed a few people left and right without noticing who it was until they were outside. Tuomas stopped as Emppu didn't move any further.

"Why are you doing this?" Emppu asked.

"Because.. I want to." 

Emppu still didn't move. "And.. now? What else do you want..?" 

Tuomas pulled him near. He looked self-concious.

"I.. want you to come home with me." he said.

Emppu felt as if someone was pulling the ground from under his feet. "Tuo.. " 

"Please, stay with me tonight.. Not because I owe you!" he hastily added as he recognized Emppus look. "Not because I am drunk - I am not, you see..? - or scared out of my mind to be alone. Not because I am broken or an emotional wreck or just.. plainly pathetic."

"Let me clarify this, only to make sure we are talking about the same thing: You want me to spend the night with you? In your bed? Why..? I mean I.. thought we.. you said you don't .. I mean: Why???"

Tuomas clenched his teeth with a somehow tortured look. "Dammit.. Emppu.. don't ask me to be more explicit! Why..? Because I want your stupid face to be the last thing I see when I'll fall asleep tonight, and the first when I'll wake in the morning."

"My stupid face?"

"Your stupid everything!" 

Emppu blinked at him in a loss of words. The utter turmoil that raged in his insides made thinking almost impossible. 

"Please.. stay with me.." Tuomas whispered and closed the step between them. For a few moments they only stood there, noses almost touching, the breath of each other on their faces. Emppu felt like a spectator to himself as he lifted his hand and traced his fingers alongside Tuomas' brow and down his neck where he buried them in his hair. Eventually, Tuomas leaned in and kissed him gently.

"My stupid everything belongs to you anyways." Emppu smiled into his mouth. "How could I possibly say no?"


	8. Publicity

"Are you kidding me!!?" Ewo waved a newspaper in front of Emppus face until he took it out of his hand. "Page 3!" Emppu opened said page and looked silently at the photo that covered half of it.

Marco looked over his shoulder and pursed his lips. He put his hand at Emppus shoulder. "Well.. at least it's publicity", he said.

" _Publicity..?_ Oh yes, that is publicity! First class publicity! I am trying so hard to keep the media at bay after this.. this.. _brain fart!_ Four grown up men and not one of them has the fucking balls to open his mouth to tell her face to face! And now  _this_!"

He whipped the newspaper out of Emppus hand. " _Am I a joke to you?!_ "

"Can you imagine what comes next? I mean, I don't care with whome you're sleeping around Vuorinen, but is it asked too much not to end up in the morning issue of the national newspaper??!! Page 3!" He opened it again and looked bewildered at it. "The prime minister got page 4! I can't believe you fucking beat the opening speech of the first parliamentary session!"

"I am dead." He dropped onto a chair only to instantly get up again. "No, _I_ quit. _You_ are dead!" He looked furiously around. "Where is Tuomas?"

"I am here." Tuomas said from the door. "What is this fuss all about?"

Marco handed him the newspaper while Ewos face slowly but surley turned purple. "Fuss? _Fuss_?!! Maybe you explain to me what you've been thinking when you kissed your guitarist in the open street in plain sight of the whole damned assembled Finnish press???!!"

Tuomas stared at the newspaper in his hands before he looked at Emppu who looked truely miserable.

"I.. I am sorry, I didn't think.."

"Of course you didn't think!" Ewo interrupted him, not interessted at all in any kind of justifications. "Obviously you didn't think! At least not with your brain for fucks sake!! And what comes next, hmm? May I announce the engagement of the happy couple???! _GOSH_!"

He ran circles in the small coffee kitchen of the recording studio.

"This is your fault alone and you will account for all that comes out of it. I will not protect you from the press. Go and tell them yourself. I want no part of it." His voice had become dangerously calm. "Take my word, in 24 hours at the latest you'll have the front page with an elaborate article about why you _really_ wanted to have Tarja out of the band. Now, _that's_ what I call publicity. I am very intrigued about how much smut they're able to dig out. Good luck." He opened the door, stepped out and slammed it shut. The platin award of 'Once' fell off the wall and crashed at the floor.

"Fuck", Marco commented while Tuomas stared at the shattered trophy. Then he sank slowly down to his knees and started to pick up the pieces.

"That's been really stupid. You've been hiding it all these years, why now?"

"We haven't been hiding anything Marco," Emppu answered.

"But.."

"Yes I know what you think. But nothing ever happened until.. well until yesterday. And it didn't even happen really something. Yes we kissed. Obviously." He glanced at the open newspaper. "And we spend the night in the same bed, but otherwise.. it's complicated."

"No shit! You're saying, I covered you up for no reason?!? I babysitted Jukka while you had a good laugh?" He grunted something incomprehensible as he accidentally cut his finger with a shard and looked sadly down at the pieces in his hands. 

"Ewo is right, you know? Tarjas fans will eat you alive. This won't be a walk in the park, Tuomas."

"I take the responsibility", Emppu suddenly said with determination. "It's my fault anyways." Tuomas stared at him. "Are you nuts? What are you talking about?!?" 

"I talk to the press and take it on me. I am not watching how they tear you apart."

"And what do you want to tell them?" Marco asked.

"You know what everybody thinks about me. I am an easy guy. You heard Ewo: I sleep around, every evening another girl. Well, I come out, tell them Tuo has been completely drunk and I've been taking advantage. End of story."

"But that's a lie." Tuomas said quietly.

"A lie, a lie - _who cares if it's a lie!_ I would tell them anything if I don't have to be afraid to find you unconscious at the floor of your hotel room ever again!"

Marco stared at them. "You what?"

"That day before he wrote 'the poet and the pendulum'.." Emppu mumbled. "Doesn't matter.."

" _Doesn't matter??_ You found him unconscious the day before he wrote this terrible thing about killing himself and you didn't even mention it?"

"Did he.." he turned to Tuomas who had his lips pressed into a thin line. "What did you do?"

"Stop it Marco. It doesn't matter," Emppu tried to appease him.

" _What did you do?_  Maybe you were not having the relationship I assumed you have, but you cannot tell me, that you didn't knew how much he cared for you. After everything you've been through together, after Jukka, after every single time he defended you, he looked after you? He stands here to literally take the bullet for you! And what did you do? _Shit on it?_ "

"What do you want to hear? That I tried to kill myself?"

"Have you?"

Tuomas shook his head. "No. But I took the chance. Repeatedly." He slowly slid his wristbands aside and held his arms up. Marco watched them wordlessly before he nodded shortly with a grave expression. "I hope you realize, that we would have lost far more than just your pathetic ass." He looked at Emppu.

"Complicated huh? That's really the most underrated statement of the century."


	9. Crisis meeting

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am apologizing, Ewo is kind of an asshole when it comes down to Emppu. It's all just for the sake of the story. I am sure he is a sincerely nice guy and I will redeem him later, so no offense meant.

"So, what now?"

If Ewos expression meant anything, he was about to attend a funeral. He just hadn't decided yet, who was going to kick it. Though, Emppu wasn't as delusional as not to know who it would be if it was to be his sole decision. Their relationship was chilly on its best days. Ewo didn't make a secret of his opinion of Emppus supposedly flimsy character. Meanwhile, Tuomas sat next to him and looked tense while he chewed off his nails again. It had taken him an hour to convince Ewo to come back. 

"Whatever, just quietly please.." Jukka now moaned.

He rather laid in his seat, eyes closed. Marco had driven to his house and had dragged him out of his bed and into the studio. His breath was probably inflamable. But Ewos conditions had been clear: the whole band.

"What is the problem anyways?" Jukka asked disoriented and Marco gave him the newspaper. "Page 3." Jukka opened it and looked puzzled at the page.

"Lahti beats IFK Helsinki 3:2?"

"Not that you idiot. The article, the photo."

Jukka stared at it for a while, pulled the newspaper closer and closer until it was just an inch away from his face. Finally he snorted and put his head at the table.

Marco sighed. "I guess he is out. Leaves us in charge." He looked around. "Any ideas?"

"To be honest, I am still a little lost. Care to enlighten me? I mean: _What the heck?!?_ " Ewo pulled the newspaper from under Jukkas head and looked at it. "Have you been totally pissed or what?"

"No." Emppu said quietly. "We just kissed and didn't think of potential fotographers at that very moment."

Ewo looked at Tuomas, disbelief clearly written all over his face. "Don't tell me you're screwing each other."

Tuomas stared at him, his mouth a thin line. "I don't know why this should be any of your concerns."

"Oh my god, _Tuomas_." Ewo covered his face with his hand. 

"I am used to this shit from you Erno, but did you have to drag Tuomas into it? And since when are you into guys? Or is it all the same to you? It's all right as long as they put it out for you, huh? Well, I really don't care, but couldn't you find yourself another pretty dark haired boy?"

"Oh woah.. wait.." Anettes mouth hang open. "What's going on here?"

"That is enough." Tuomas voice was ice. "You will instantly apologize, or I will dismiss you from any kind of band business right now."

Ewo looked at him with sympathy. "Come on Tuomas, you cannot take this seriously, can't you? This will last how long? A week? Till the next gig? And then what? He never keeps his trophys." He put his hand at his arm.

"I know you since the very beginning. If you believe it or not, I came to care for you over all these years. For all of you. I don't want to see you heartbroken Tuomas." He looked around at everybody and ended up with Emppu who had fixed him with a vacant stare.

"You know what happened the last time. That would be the end of Nightwish." 

"I said I take it on me." Emppu said tonelessly. "I make a statement to the press that I took advantage of Tuo, it means nothing. They can hate me and write all the shit they want about me, I don't care. It's the best solution."

"No Emppu, you cannot do that!" Anette shouted out.

"I actually like that idea." Ewo looked at Emppu. "We'll get you another guitarist. Shouldn't be that hard."

Marco stood abruptly, noisingly toppling his chair over. "Forget it Ewo," he squeezed out through clenched teeth. A vein at his forehead throbbed warningly. "Over my cold dead body only." He hit Jukkas back who had started to snore. He flinched off the table in response.

"For heavens sake, this is serious, _can't you sleep later_!!?"

"What?"

"Emppu is going to take the fall in the name of this fucking hypocritcal management and I will not watch this bullshit another minute!! Would you all please say something? _Tuomas_!" 

Tuomas was as white as the wall behind him and just watched Emppu wordlessly. His hands were shaking. It was clear as day that he wasn't in a state to express what was going on in his head.  

"Why? What for?" Jukka was totally lost.

Marco slapped the newspaper at his head and he slowly took it again.

"Because of a bloody _kiss_? It's the 21th century, who cares who kisses whome?" He opened the page for another time.

" _Thousands of Tarja fans who will crucify Tuomas all - in - public_." Ewo sounded strained. "Have you read the letters we got after you fired her so unceremoniously? Because I have and I am considering personal security for Tuomas right now. And in addition to that, we have all the homophobic pricks up our ass!" He stopped as that realization hit him. "Oh my god.. I _have_ to hire security."

"Really, I don't understand why you're all so surprised. Emppu knows how to enjoy himself and Tuomas isn't exactly impersonating the alpha male. I cannot believe that nobody ever thought of a scenario like this before. _I_ certainly have."

Ewo threw Jukka a death glare. "Don't you start!"

"Why don't we call her?" Anette suddenly spoke up and everybody turned to her.

"I mean.. Tarja. If.. if you would finally talk again.. clear the air.. I don't think she would let you down with this. I mean, you have been friends. If she openly shows she is.. okay with this, it would calm everything down, wouldn't it..?" She trailed self-conciously off and looked around.

"That's plainly ridiculous," Ewo stated. "The way you treated her you can be glad if she doesn't tell the journalists in tears that she caught you inmidst the act - just to get to you. I wouldn't even blame her." 

"It's worth a try, isn't it?" Anette looked at Tuomas. "You have to call her and give it at least a try."

Tuomas didn't react. He seemed to be paralyzed and stared into nothingness. She leaned forward and put her hand at his arm.

"Please Tuomas, for the band. For Nightwish. For all of us."

Eventually Tuomas came back from wherever his thoughts had been and looked down at her. The look in his eyes was nothing short to panic-stricken, but he was keeping it together.

"Okay." His voice was almost inaudible. "I'll talk to her." He looked at Emppu who watched him with sorrow. The unspoken message that passed between them hung heavy for all to see inmidst the room.

_For you._

* * *

 

Anette had the newspaper in her hand and studied the photo once more when she approached Emppu on their way out of the studio. 

"I knew that I hadn't been wrong. You are a sad clown, Emppu. You put on a good show for everyone - but in reality, nobody knows you. When you're with Tuomas, you stop pretending. He sees you for what you really are. No matter what Ewo or the fans or whoever thinks about it - I like this picture." She carefully tore the page out, folded it and gave it to Emppu who took it in a daze. She smiled at him.

"Don't let them take this away from you."


	10. Tarja

Tuomas had asked Ewo and Anette to stay out of this conversation and Jukka had excused himself to get some sleep. He didn't feel up to the upcoming confrontation in his current state. That left Emppu and Tuomas with Marco, Ewos empty office and - Tarja, who currently leaned against the desk, her arms crossed in front of her chest. Emppu hadn't been witness to the telephone call, didn't knew what Tuomas had been telling her, but she had agreed to come over and meet them.

"You know," she said now and looked back and forth between Emppu and Tuomas, "in hindsight, this really explains a lot. I mean, I cannot say, that I am terribly surprised, but still. And now you want my support. You must be truely desperate."

"That would really help us to get through all of this without an angry mob at our doorstep," Marco said.

Tarja pondered that. "What's in for me?"

"Why has always to be something in for you?!" Marco glared at her. "This is exactly what drives me up the wall every time we talk! Can't you do anything just for the sake of the friendship we all shared?"

"You mean out of the goodness of my heart? _The heart I once had?_ " She had her eyes at Tuomas who flinched visibly at that reference.

"What do you want?" He asked quietly.

She still looked at him, her face expressionless. But somehow something else radiated off her. Emppu wasn't quite sure what it was.

"Ever Dream," she said.

"What?" Tuomas was obviously taken by surprise.

"I want 'Ever Dream'. The songrights. The permission to sing a few of the other songs would be a bonus, but I don't want to appear greedy." She stood straight and tall and watched how Tuomas studied her with a undefinable look. Eventually he sighed and his shoulders slumped a little.

"Take them. Take them all.. If it's what you want.. take them."

"All of them?" Tarja asked flabberghasted.

"It isn't as if anyone else will sing them ever again," Tuomas mumbled.

Marco cleared his throat. "You cannot do that, I mean legally.. the label has a say in that matter as well."

Tuomas looked at him, apparently irked by his interjection. "Alright. Maybe not all! But if she wants 'Ever Dream', I will give it to her. If the label makes trouble about that, they can kiss my ass."

"Okay..," Marco said with raised hands, a little astounded about that outburst and turned to Tarja again. "You will get your song, what do _we_ get in return?"

Tarja pursed her lips. "I am giving a farewell party tomorrow. We're going back to Argentina again next week, Marcelo and I. I invite you, the whole band. Bring Anette. I will mention to a few people how excited I am to meet you all again and sure as hell this will leak. We play happy family and all is well. Will that do?"

"That.. actually sounds good," Marco said slowly, still confused by the lack of catfight in this whole conversation so far.

"It's settled then. I guess you still know my parents' house?" She asked Tuomas.

"The party is at your parents' house?" Tuomas looked uncomfortable. 

"Don't worry. My mother will be happy to see you again. She is your greatest advocate, you know? Gives me hell about this whole muck-up. Guess who gave me a wakeup call this morning to tell me about that photo in the newspaper. I thought she was going to freak out."

"Okay. We'll be there. I.. I am looking forward to.." he looked down at his hands and sighed. "No I am not looking forward to that. I am sorry Tarja."

"What?" Tarja looked a strange mixture of offended and puzzled. Emppu could relate to that last point. "What?" 

Tuomas inhaled deeply. "I am sorry Tarja. Not for throwing you out of the band - you know as well as I, that it couldn't go on this way - but for the awful way I did it. I was afraid. I should have talked to you, I should have kept that whole affair private, but I was too afraid. I was an utter mess and I was afraid not to get a single word out and to fuck it all up. Well, I've been chickenshit as someone put it so nicely. And as a result, I fucked up even more."

He watched her pleadingly.

"Please, forgive me. I don't want to 'play happy family' but rather spend a nice time with friends. That I would really look forward to."

Tarja was speechless. Emppu could relate to that as well.

"Wow." She said. "Um well.. wow. I don't know what to say.. did you just apologize?"

"Apparently."

"Did the hell just freeze over?"

Marco groaned and Emppu threw her a begging look. She chuckled and shook her head.

"Sorry."

For a while she didn't say anything and stared at the floor. Then she pushed herself off the desk, walked over to Tuomas and stood in front of him.

"You hurt me. But.. I know you Tuo and I understand why you did what you did. It hurt nonetheless."

"I know."

Emppu felt a strange tinge of jealousy as he heard her call him that. She had always done that in the past - at least when they had been good. However, in the end that hadn't been the case very often.

"I forgive you, Tuo. And whatever I threw at your head the last time we argued - I don't hate you." She embraced him and he hesitantly put his arms around her and pulled her near, buried his face in her hair. "Thank you."

"I could never hate you." She whispered into his ear before they parted again.

Emppu cleared his throat and both turned to him. Tuomas looked kind of awkward and Tarja smiled.

"Don't panic Emppu. I wish all the best for the both of you. I really do."

She turned back to Tuomas and poked her finger into his chest.

"Just don't mess it up."

* * *

 

"You love her." Emppu stated when they were alone again. It wasn't a question. That thought didn't cross his mind exactly for the first time.

Tuomas didn't respond at first. He scrunched his eyebrows and stared out of the window before he finally drew his hand over his face and sighed.

"Do you remember the first time she sang with us?"

Emppu remembered a green eyed girl, singing the living daylights out of a teenaged version of themselves in the basement of his parents' house and nodded.

"She was an angel, fallen from the sky to bless me. I've been blissfully happy to just hear her sing for hours, days to no end. _My_ music, _my_ lyrics.. out of her mouth with that angelic voice, so pure, unearthly - absolutely perfect. I fell for her that day. Unconditionally."

Tuomas had a melancholic expression.

"We became friends.. you know that, you were there. We've been hanging around almost every day. Then she got a boyfriend. I was devastated. It didn't last long, but of course he wasn't to be the only one. Everytime she turned up with a boy.. I died a little. The way they looked at her, touched her.. _soiled_ her.. I could have killed every one of them just for the way they undressed her with their eyes."

He exhaled deeply. Emppu made no sound. This was maybe the only opportunity to ever hear this story.

"And when they were done with her, she came to me, crying. And I held her and watched her become a little less each time. A little less innocent, a little less happy, a little less free. And each time I swore to me, I would never become like _them_."

He buried his head in his hands.

"But.. I.. I wanted her. I dreamt of her in my arms - the nights became a real torture. I couldn't sleep, so I wrote songs. A lot of songs. And poems. Obscene rubbish. And I threw most of them into the stove in the morning, watched the paper burn and told myself, that my wanting would end in smoke as well. But it never did."

Tuomas paused and Emppu almost supposed, that this was all he would get to hear. But then he went eventually on:

"One day, we took a walk at the shore at the island. She just had broken up with some idiot - I don't remember his name. We were skimming stones while she talked and talked. Suddenly she took my hand and said something along the lines, that she would wish for a sensible man like me instead of a complete asshole. She stood half a metre away, my hand in hers and looked at me with these eyes that could make me do anything for her. Anything but this. She wanted me to kiss her. I couldn't. It broke me into a thousand pieces, but I couldn't do that." He swallowed hard. "I couldn't let myself become like them."

Sadly he shook his head. "After that day, she never came back to cry on my shoulder. You know the rest."

In the following silence Emppu thought back at these times and for the very first time he guessed, he fully understood.

"You were the beast."

"The beast, the devil, the phantom, all of them. Ugly and drawn to innocence and beauty, destined to ruin it."

"And so life gave you lies and guilt and locked you up inside yourself." Emppu recited Tuomas' own words. "And you escaped into your songs."

Tuomas shook his head. "I still don't know how she could sing all this stuff I wrote back then without blushing. I had a hard time with it on stage. Sometimes quite literally."

Emppu remembered their first tour and laughed silently. "Nymphomaniac fantasy?"

"Oh my God." Tuomas mumbled.

"Don't remind me."

 


	11. Of happiness and horses

 "Hello Marjatta."

"Tuomas! What a surprise!" Tarjas mother hugged him heartily. "Well.. actually not a surprise. Tarja told me of course. Where is your little friend?" Emppu waved awkwardly at Tarjas mother. "Hi Marjatta. Long time, no see."

"Hi Emppu. Nice jacket. The color suits you."

She focussed at Tuomas again. "You look great as always.. is that one of those bands you like so much? Strange name." She pointed at the print on the black shirt under his jacket. Jukka had given it this morning to him with the remark, that today would be the absolutely perfect day to wear it. Marjatta blinked another time at it, then shrugged her shoulders. "But you can wear anything darling, am I right Tari?"

Tarja rolled her eyes. "Yes mom."

"I couldn't believe it when I saw the newspaper yesterday morning. I had to call Tari instantly."

"Yes.. we couldn't believe it either", Tuomas mumbled.

"She firstly thought I had lost it, didn't understand a single thing. But here we are." She laughed. "Well, I guess, that's life, isn't it? It's been the same with my cousin Samu. He had the most beautiful girlfriend and then - out of nothing - he brought this.. what was his name..?"

"Niklas."

"Yes.. he brought this Niklas home. Nobody suspected that. But it isn't his fault of course, he is a nice guy. Surely it's been this girl."

Emppu had a bad feeling about the general direction of this rather one sided conversation and wished she would finally stop talking, but unfortunately she wasn't done yet. Instead she glanced with a somehow reproachful look at her daughter.

"It's like ruining a first class racehorse by bad riding."

"Oh my God, _Mom!!!_ "

"But ain't it the truth." She threw a slightly resignated look at Marcelo at the other side of the garden. "But each to his own." She patted Tuomas shoulder who looked as if he wished the earth would swallow him whole.

"What's important is, that you're happy darling. All of you." Something clattered in the house and she ran away towards the porch. "Teuvo! Not the china! There are paper plates in the top drawer!" Tuomas, Emppu and Tarja breathed a collective sigh of relieve as she disappered inside.

"I am sorry about that," Tarja mumbled, her face glaring red. She sounded a little hollow. "Excuse me, I am going to spike up the punch. Otherwise I might not survive this."

She passed Ewo who just approached them, two glasses in his hands. He looked at the point where Marjatta had vanished into the house before he turned back to them. "This woman still talks a mile a minute", he said and pushed one of his glasses at Emppu. Emppu looked puzzled at it, then took it hesitantly with a questioning look.

"Dont' worry, it's just beer. I am not trying to poison you." He watched Tuomas and Emppu with a thoughtful expression. All in all he seemed unusally agreeable - at least for Emppu who was used to disapproving glares and harsh words.

"I get a drink as well," Tuomas now said. "After this speech I can really use it." Ewo nodded at him and he followed Tarja to raid the cocktail bar. Ewo concentrated at Emppu again. "I.. I want to apologize to you Erno. I had a conversation with Marco last night. He came into my office like a force of nature, banged on my table and talked some sense into me. I must say, he can be fairly intimidating."

Emppu chuckled and took a sip. "He told me a.. he told me a rather interesting story. I am sorry. I treated you really badly. But I was so sick of these.. you remember when this girl charged you for sexual harassement? Gosh, that's been a shitsorm.."

"It's been a lie." Emppu said and Ewo nodded. "Yes, I realize that now. I should have believed you. But for all I knew you were hustling the girls by a dozen. And it drove me up the wall when Tuomas defended you every time I told him to put you into place."

"You did that?"

"Yes. But Tuomas wouldn't hear of it. ' _Don't exaggerate Ewo_ ', ' _he would never do that Ewo_ ', ' _I know him since childhood Ewo_ ' - he is such a kindhearted spirit, I thought you were shamelessly exploiting it. When this.. when I saw the photo in the newspaper that morning, I lost it." 

Emppu studied the regretful expression at Ewos face. Ewo raised his glass at him. "Friends?"  

Slowly Emppu raised his glass as well and smiled at him. "Friends. And it's Emppu. Don't call me Erno. Nobody does."

Ewo nodded. "Emppu." 

They clinked and spent the next minutes to watch in silent company how Marco and Jukka were arguing about something next to the heavily smoking barbecue. Marco had a skewer in his hand and gave the impression as if he was ready to roast the other man alive.

"So.." Emppu said, "You were afraid of Marco. That's why you decided to apologize?"

Ewo weighed his head. "Partly. Mostly I felt really bad about it. Another part might be, that Tuomas reminded me this morning, that he still intended to fire me if I wouldn't apologize to you. He cannot hold a candle to Marco when it comes to intimidation, especially if he stands in front of you with a shirt printed 'King Chickenshit I' - what's the story behind that anyways? - but it sped up my decision as well.. Ah there he comes."

Tuomas joined them again, a glass of wine in his hands. "Jukka put marshmallows on the barbecue. Obviously nobody ever told him, that they're melting.." he watched them carefully. "Have you sorted everything out..?"

Ewo exaggeratedly bowed at him. "Yes. Dictate accomplished, your poultryness."

 

* * *

  

"I don't love her."

Emppu raised a brow. The party was going well, and after a few beers and cleaning up the barbecue, even Jukka and Marco got along quite amiably. At the very moment they were chasing the children through the garden.

"I think I love the thought of her," Tuomas said.

"She is an angel, the ocean, a siren, my ever dream. She isn't real. If I touch her, she disappears." He sighed. "But that Tarja isn't _her_." He gestured at Tarja who stood with Anette. They were laughing about something. " _She_ is real. And the real Tarja, the one that never fell from the stars to enchant me.. I don't know if I ever really loved her."

Tuomas dragged his fingertips all along Emppus arm down to his hand where he rested his own on top. "You don't disappear."

"Sorry, I am not made out of whimsy mythological metaphors. And all I ever fell from was the tree in the backyard of your parents' house, but surely not to enchant you."

Tuomas laughed. Emppu stared fascinated at the lines in his face.

" _What's important is, that you're happy darling._ " He imitated Marjatta and Tuomas laughed again, mirthfully and lighthearted and indescribably beautiful to Emppu.

"Are you..? Happy?"

Tuomas let himself fall down into the grass, his arms wide spread and laughed once again. 

"Yes!" He called out and a few people around them turned to look at the source of that vocal proclamation.

Emppu didn't care for the people. As far as he was concerned, the whole damned world could be watching them. He laid down next to Tuomas, took him in his arms and kissed him until they were both gasping for breath.

"Ugh." Marco panted, as he stomped past them, a child clinging to each of his legs. "Get yourself a room." 

"Get yourself a sense of tact!" Tuomas shouted after him and fell back into the grass, eyes closed and completely at ease. 

"You know what Tuo?"

"Hmm?" Tuomas hummed lazily. Emppu could have spend the rest of his life looking at him.

"I love you."

Tuomas smiled without opening his eyes and for the first time after all these years, that smile didn't hurt but felt like home in Emppus chest.

"I know."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And that's it - the end of the story - but hopefully not of that romance - that nobody ever asked for. It just accidentally happened and I never knew how a chapter would end when I started it. I hope you enjoyed to read it as much as I enjoyed to write it.  
> And now.. go on, listen to Marcos first single album. I don't understand a single word, but it's great :)


	12. Epilogue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> .. oh my.. I forgot something :P

"Well", Marco said " _This_ photo is really a hole in one. Even Ewos most advanced wet publicity dreams wouldn't come up with something like that."

He held the current newspaper and grinned like a madman. 

Tuomas watched him warily. "Ewos _wet_ dreams? You are disgusting." He took the newspaper from him. "Haha.. very funny."

"Hey, not my idea, that's a first handed quote. I got this thing from him. He was so hyped, I was afraid he was going to kiss me. Oh.. and he told me to ask you if we could add this hilarious shirt to the official merchandise. Apparently he got tons of requests."

"For real?" Tuomas looked at the photo again. It showed him completely drenched, held down by Emppu while Tarja and Anette emptied a bucket full of ice water above him. Tuomas sighed.

"All for the band.. as long as you enjoyed yourselves.. but this shirt is an exclusive item. No copies, sorry."

"All for the band.. my arse.. you deserved it just for your stupidity. Remember the words of this old married man: never  _ever_ ask a woman if she is pregnant if you're not a thousand percent sure. You told Tarja you think she is fat."

Tuomas rolled his eyes. "Women are just complicated."

"Well, you only just saved your ass, haven't you?" Marco chuckled before he got serious again and put the newspaper aside. Then he hemmed and hawed until Tuomas watched him questioningly.

"Speaking of saving someones ass.. there is one thing I wanted to ask you.." 

 

* * *

 

Tuomas stared out of the window as he thought back to a day, he rather wouldn't think of ever again. A horrendous Monday morning in February 1998. Eventually he started to regive the events of that day, his voice low. 

"It's been six in the morning when I found him. Normally, we wouldn't have been there that early but Emppu wanted to change a part of his solo and we had to do it before the demo recording started that day. I stood in the door and was completely useless. Things like this don't happen, you know? You read about them, you know someone who knows someone who has heard of someone. But it doesn't happen. Not really. Least of all out of nowhere to a friend you thought you know so well.

I just stood there. If it had been just me, Jukka wouldn't have made it that day. Emppu shove me aside, got down inmidst the bloody mess, stopped the bleeding and called the ambulance. He laid half atop of him, drenched in blood, one hand inside his upper thigh, in the other the phone and told the ambulance where to go. I didn't even remember my own name.

All the time, from the moment we found him, to the night in the hospital, to the moment they told us Jukka had survived the surgery he kept absolutely calm. He talked to the doctor, filled out the forms and called Jukkas parents. Then he told me, that cigarettes and fingernails weren't approved staple foods, gave me a cereal bar out of his blood-stained jacket, apologized because he had sat on it and left. It was so ridiculous, I just couldn't help myself. I remember how I sat there with the crumbled thing in my hand and laughed. Then I cried until Ewo arrived a few hours later and drove me home. When we met again the next day I was still a nervous wreck. He was just the same as always."

Marco nodded slowly. "Yes.. he doesn't look it, but he is tough material."

Tuomas sighed as he tried to get the images out of his head. Finally he smiled quietly.

"He surely is the greatest short man I know."


End file.
